Get more pleasure
For a long time food was the main way I felt pleasure. At the end of a long day I would reward myself with a glass of wine, that would then turn into 2 or 3, coupled with chocolate and then some popcorn to balance out the sweet. All of a sudden my one glass of wine to reward myself for my day, turned into a binge session which then had me beating up on myself for not having any self control and resulted in me feeling worst and reaching for more wine, more food to desperately try and feel better.
What I realised was that outside of food, I didn’t have many other ways to reward myself, to unwind at the end of a day and the way I was choosing to do it, was actually having the opposite impact on me. As I would end up feeling like a failure, like someone who I couldn’t trust and frankly who I didn’t like that much.
So to start to change this pattern, I started testing different ways I could help myself unwind at the end of the day. I tried going for a walk with my dog, having an impromptu dance party with my son. I would pour myself a cold tea infusion in a really nice crystal glass. I would light one of my favourite candles, play some music and just sit and relax on the couch with my cold drink.
At first these didn’t seem as attractive as the big glass of wine I would pour as soon as I stepped into the house. But sooner than I thought, after consistently and consciously trying new things, I noticed that things started to change and that I actually ended up feeling so much better.
As when I would have the glass of wine and then proceed with my binge session, I wasn’t telling myself the whole truth. I would say, it would take the edge off, but I ignored the feelings of disgust and shame that would soon follow.
What’s more, for the times that I did chose to enjoy a glass of wine, I found that I wasn’t doing so to escape myself and so I didn’t feel the need to drink more than I wanted, to or continue to binge with chocolate and popcorn. It didn’t feel so desperate. Instead I could really enjoy the great glass of wine and the feeling of being happy with myself as I felt in control, not acting in spite of myself, but rather acting in a way that was inline with what I did really want.
It was recognising that what I thought I was doing to unwind, was actually creating more stress, more aghast in my life and once I started doing things a little different, I was able to give myself what I really needed in that moment, and as a consequence reduce a whole lot of self inflicted suffering, and could get off the familiar rat wheel of suffering so many of my clients used to experience day after day.
To identify if there are times you are taking action to try and feel better, look at it in totality. Is there a negative consequence on the backend? And if yes, how could you give yourself what you are really after?
In my program I work with my clients to weed out these moments, and identify what they are really seeking and developing ways they can give themselves that, without the negative consequence. The result, more pleasure, more joy, more confidence and trust in themselves.
