How you spend your days, is how you spend your life
A year and half ago I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, and finished up a year of treatment 6 months ago. With an aggressive and advanced cancer my treatment plan was no walk in the park. But as I reviewed my progress towards my goals for the first half of this year, I found myself wistfully looking back at the year I had off and found myself guiltily wishing I was there again.
Now I get this might sound a little crazy, to be honest it unsettled me thinking that I enjoyed a year of fighting cancer more than my normal life. So this week I looked under the hood, to better understand why I found a year off my normal life, but in and out of hospital on a weekly basis, to be more preferable than how I spent the last 6 months.
So to kick of my exploration, I first made a list of what I loved about the year:
More space in my day to think
Not constantly thinking I was letting people down because I didn’t have enough time
Not feeling like I was running from one place to another
Not constantly feeling guilty for not doing enough, being enough
Getting to feel really present where I was, in any moment
Walking my son to and from school without thinking about getting back for a meeting
Not having the constant worry of work running through my thoughts
Really caring for my body, rather than being at the effect of my mind
Day time yoga
Daily walks
More quality time with family
Connecting with friends
Being really kind and conscious about how I spoke to myself. I really encouraged myself and actively practise being grateful for my body that was enduring the treatments
Connecting a lot more with nature
Eating food that supported my body and felt nourishing
When I looked over my list I found there where 3 key themes:
Mind/Thoughts - reduced feelings of guilt and overwhelm and instead a focus on gratitude
Self care / body - high level of support and care for my body and self
Connection - increased connection to family, friends, nature and myself
I sorted each item into the relevant buckets and below is what I discovered for each.
Mind/Thoughts - Last year the guilt and overwhelm I usually felt about work and what I needed to get done was reduced and instead was focussed on gratitude and how I could support myself.
My diagnosis made me feel it was ok to put myself first. I remember thinking early on in my treatment that I was going to be really strict with myself. That my focus had to be on supporting myself and my son through my treatments. Everything else was secondary. I knew I didn’t want to fall into victim mentality and so I was very conscious about how I thought, and this served me really well during treatment. But 6 months post treatment what it has highlighted was that without the keen focus and decision of managing my mind to support myself day to day, that I tended to fall back on indulging in guilt and overwhelm producing thoughts. I found myself focused on what other people wanted from me, rather than focusing on what I wanted to do.
Body / Self care - When I focussed on body/self care, I noticed last year that I really prioritised caring for my body. I was focused on how I could best support my physical body. Early on in treatment there was this moment that I realised how much of what I eat is because my mind tells me to. Now I have known this for many years. But I had never felt it so deeply as I did last year. Instead of my mind saying, “I feel stressed, eat some chocolate,” what I instead noticed was my mind tuning into my body and asking it what it need.
It was like there was three of us, myself, my mind and my body. For much of my life, my mind was the child inflicting all sorts of punishment onto my body in forms of drink and food so it could avoid feeling a certain way. But last year that all changed. My mind suddenly became the protector of my body. Searching and trying different ways to best support it getting through the treatments.
Connection - Last year what I noticed was that without the thoughts causing guilt and overwhelm I was actually able to feel more connected with my family, friends, nature and myself. The things I used to worry about didn’t overtake my mind and so I could just be present. Everything slowed down and the increase in space to think helped give me the time to reset, decompress and decide what was important.
Whilst I actually spent a lot less time with family and friends last year, because I was present I actually felt that the connection grew. The conversations were less about complaining about this and that, and my mind was present, not constantly thinking of what else I should be doing. The time we spent felt more precious, not just something I was trying to fit into my day.
The overriding theme from it all was that I was consciously deciding across all three themes. I was not at the effect of my life, rather I directing it. It was like the cancer gave me permission to put what I wanted first and doing that enabled me to reduce my stress, my guilt and my overwhelm (at a time were arguable it should have been at an all time high).
Determined to ensure that the year I fought cancer was not my best year, but instead a year that I learnt lessons that I could take with me to really create and live a life I love over the next 6 months I am focussing on:
Mind/Thoughts - being very conscious about the decisions I am making day to day, liking my reasons. Noticing when I am feeling guilt and overwhelm and redirecting my thoughts to ones that serve me, that create more gratitude and acceptance. Creating more space in my day, so I don’t run on default, providing time to decompress so I can keep checking in with myself and what I want.
Body/Selfcare - Consciously planning my week with practises that increase the care and support I provide to my physical body. Planning in walks, yoga, stretching, massages. Reviewing what I am eating, drinking, ensuring it feels my mind is caring for my body and not the other way around
Connection - Write a list of all the things that make me feel connected and plan for them. Look at the month ahead, decide who I want to catch up with and plan it in ahead of time so I can look forward to it. Plan for day trips to forests, more time in nature. Prioritise walks and spending some time each day outside.
So often we think we are planning for a life we love, but the way we spend our day is our life. So if you are noticing that you are not excited about your day, about your life and find yourself often thinking, it will be better when (insert your thing), then I would encourage you to think of a time that you really enjoyed, that you were really happy and try and complete the above exercise, look at what made it so great and look at how you can recreate it in your life today.
Because what last year showed me was that it wasn’t the circumstance that made it great, it was how I was thinking and caring for myself through it. It showed me the importance of prioritising yourself, and how when you do that everything improves.
If last year taught me one thing, it is that happiness is not created once you have the thing, once the kids are older, or you have more money. Happiness is created in how you think, care and connect with yourself in this moment.
“How we spend our day, is of course how we spend our lives” Anna Dillard
