Loving yourself as an action

A few years ago, someone asked me if I loved myself. I tentatively replied, "I think so".  When I thought about what loving myself meant, I thought it meant that I thought I was a good person, I was loyal, trusting, I generally considered myself to be ok, at least most of the time. 

But then they asked me a question that had me stumped. 

They asked, “what actions do I take that are loving towards myself?”

It was then I realised, that when I thought of what loving myself meant, I considered it in relation to my character, my values, the way I treated others. I didn’t think of it as something I could give to myself.

“What actions do I take that are loving towards myself?”

I didn't really know, or at least there wasn't anything I was consciously doing that I could pin point. I was embarrassed, everyone would talk about how we need to love ourselves first and I kind of got it on an intellectual level, but that is where it stayed. I didn’t really question it, or wonder what does it practically mean to love oneself?

So I started to consider how I achieved my goals, did I encourage myself, or did I beat/shame myself into taking action? 

I started to notice how I talked to myself, was I encouraging, or did I sound more like a disapproving bystander?

I looked at when I said yes to things, did I only say yes at times I really wanted to say yes, or was I saying yes for approval, or fear of judgement, or to avoid disappointing someone else?

I looked at how I ate, did I eat in a way that nourished my body and helped me achieve my goals? Or did I eat in a way to get through the day, and at times against my own will? Eating was interesting, as I noticed that I would tell myself I was eating the bag of chips because I was taking care of myself, but then would proceed to shame myself for having no self control.

What became clear, across all of those areas and many more, was that I wasn’t really showing up in a loving way for myself.

My brain then offered up the thought, that ‘I cant be too soft on myself, because if I am, then I wont get anything done.’ And it was at that point that I started questioning, is that actually true? Is being hard on myself, getting me to my goals? Is not eating enough food and then beating myself up when I drink too much wine because I feel like shit, actually helping me lose weight? 

I started asking myself how could loving myself actually help me get closer to achieving my goals?  How could loving myself actually be the harder thing to do? What actions would I change, and what actions would I take if I was actively loving myself? 

This is a practise for so many of us, as we are not practised in loving ourselves. And what I have found, is that when we start taking actions that are more loving to ourselves, we don’t need to try and escape ourselves as much. We don’t need to seek pleasure to numb out pain, rather we seek pleasure as a way of loving ourselves. And what’s more, we show up as our more authentic selves.

So if loving yourself is a action, not a feeling,;

How could you love yourself more? 

What actions could you take? 

What would you do differently? 

And as I have mentioned in a previous blog, for those of you who struggle with this, bring to mind a person that you really love. List all of the actions that you take towards that person, as displays of love and then look at how you could take those actions for yourself. Often how we give love to others, is how we want to receive it, so who better to provide it for us, than us.