Feelings Part 1
So much of what we do in life, is because we think it will help us feel, or avoid feeling a certain way.
Feelings play such a critical role when it comes to weight loss. For many of my clients, they don’t have a weight loss problem, they have a feeling problem. For many years they have used food as a way to avoid feeling negative emotion, and it wasn’t until they started doing the work, that they realised in attempt to avoid feeling a certain way, they actually created more of it.
One client, who really represents similar examples for so many said, “I was feeling shame and disappointment when I looked at my reflection in the mirror getting dressed the other morning. As the day went on, my clothes were pulling at me, and I kept telling myself I am too fat and have no self control. Throughout the day I kept comparing myself to all of these other woman, telling myself they were better than me, because clearly they had self control. After a day of beating myself up, I was exhausted and raw, desperate for comfort and so all I wanted was to put on some comfy pjs and enjoy some chocolate and wine. Except as usual I ate way to much chocolate and drunk to much wine, only to end the day how I started the day, feeling disappointed and ashamed in myself.”
So often we treat weightloss at the symptom level, instead of addressing what is causing us to eat more than our body requires in the first place. Once they started addressing their feelings, understanding what was going on, a big part of why they were over eating was no longer an issue.
In the next few blog articles I am going to explore feelings, giving you some questions so you can start to explore what is going on for you when it comes to feelings and weight loss.
In this article, I wanted to start by talking through a common misconception; that feelings are caused by external things that happen to us. For years, I thought this to be true. I thought when something bad happened, then it was the thing that happened that caused me to feel a certain way.
For example, when I am running late and I get stuck behind someone who is driving 10km under the speed limit. I feel extremely angry, and I used to think it was the driver that caused me to be angry. But I have since learnt that this is not the case.
I still remember the day when my coach explained that it is not the event that causes our feelings, but the thoughts we have about the event, that causes how we feel.
Because this was a different way of thinking, my brain (which as we know doesn’t like change), instantly threw up objections, such as “well if someone close to you dies, that would cause you to be upset” and my coach highlighted that if it was the event that caused our feeling, then that event would have to impact everyone in the same way.
But as you would know, someone dying who you don’t know, or are not close to is not upsetting. The person dying is just a circumstance, a fact. What causes us to feel upset is what we are thinking about this circumstance, this fact.
It is our thoughts about their death, such as “I am going to miss them” which causing us to feel upset.
Another example is that annoying driving, who is going to slow in front of you when you are trying to get to work. The driver, driving 10km below the speed limit is just a circumstance, a fact.
There are some people on the road who would not be bothered about this driver. My grandma for instance wouldn’t mind if someone was driving slowly and actually if this driver was my grandma, I too wouldn’t mind that she was driving slowly. Same circumstance/fact, different thought.
But right now, I am fuming at this driver and what is causing me to fume, is my thoughts about the driver, such as “They are going to make me late”, “They shouldn’t be on the road”, “They should get booked for driving under the limit” and I could go on.
But what I want to illustrate is that the driver driving 10km below the speed limit is not what causes me to feel angry, as we saw, if this driver was my grandma my thoughts would completely change. It is how I am choosing to think about this driver that is causing me to feel the way I do.
And yes whilst I am with you, sometimes your thoughts about the said slow driver who is ‘making’ you late, don’t feel optional, the truth is, they are. You can choose what you think, and when you truly accept this to be true, then you have complete freedom. You get all of your power back, because you are no longer giving it to the slow driver, or the person speaking too loudly on the phone. Or to your crazy ex, or your current partner, who knows exactly what buttons to press.
The only person who can control and impact how you feel is you, because you are the one creating your thoughts.
When I learnt this, I felt like this was the best and worst news. Because I realised that I am actually in complete control of my feelings, as I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if I want to feel differently about something, I first need to understand what and why I am thinking a certain way.
Now, if you are like me, when I first learnt this, then you are probably thinking, great I am just going to feel happy all the time by managing my thoughts. And what I have learnt is that actually as a human we want to be able to feel all of the range of emotions. For instance if someone close to me dies, I want to be able to feel sad and grief.
And so understanding that it is our thoughts that create our feelings, is not to then say, chose to become happy all the time. It is instead showing you that you do have control. But if you are like most of my clients when they first come to me, they are currently unaware of their thinking, which is often why they feel like that they are at the mercy of everything that is going on outside of them.
So if you want to start exploring your feelings, then a first step, is starting to understand what you are thinking throughout the day.
What are the thoughts that have become so ingrain, that you think so often, that you now view them as facts? Example: I need to pick up my kids from school
What are the thoughts that cause you unnecessary pain? Example: He shouldn’t do that (insert whatever it is they shouldn’t do) - this thought causes so much unnecessary suffering
What are the thoughts that you have never questioned as to whether they are actually true or not? Example: Once you are over 40 weightloss is harder
What are your most common thoughts? Example: I am not good enough
What are you thinking before you eat? Example: I need to eat
What are you thinking after you eat? Example: I shouldn’t have eaten that
One exercise I do on a daily basis is what I call a thought download. Every morning I just write consistently for 7 minutes or until my brain is empty. I don’t edit it, I don’t stop, if I cant think of anything I just write, ‘I cant think of anything’ until my brain offers up another thought. I just get it all out on paper and once I am done, I chose a couple of thoughts and identify how each thought makes me feel.
This is such a simple exercise, but it is such an effective way of bringing to surface the thoughts that you are having. Don’t be surprise if on some days your thoughts seem really negative. I know for myself and also for many of my clients, when they started this practise they were shocked at how negative their thoughts were. But when we looked at how they were feeling the majority of the time, it made sense that these were the types of thoughts they were having.
The goal here is not to beat yourself up, or to try and change your thoughts. Rather it is just to build awareness of what thoughts you have and how these thoughts are impacting how you feel.
In the next article I will explore this further. But for this week, have a go, spend 7 minutes every morning or evening dumping our your thoughts on a piece of paper. Once you are done pick a couple of thoughts and identify the feeling. After a week, have a look for patterns, see if there are themes, or consistently in how you are thinking.
Being aware of what we are thinking, is the first step in really understanding ourselves, and being able to create change.
